6 Months, Attachment, and Sleep

Today is the 6 month anniversary of the day we brought Jonas back to our hotel and started our new role as parents. I still get teary when I think about how God brought us together as a family. Jonas was orphaned, but he was never outside of the care of his Heavenly Father. And when we were going through infertility, God didn't give us what we thought we wanted because he knew what was even better. He brought indescribable beauty from ashes.

It seems like we've been a family for much longer than just 6 months, but when I think about that day I can still feel all the emotions I felt as we walked out of the transition home gates with Jonas in our arms. I was elated and terrified! The next few days were a blur of night feedings and blow-out diapers and trying to learn what Jonas wanted and needed. It seemed like the other babies in our travel group were always pretty calm and able to go with the flow throughout the day. Not Jonas. He seemed to either be overly excited and happy, or crying with a rage I didn't know was possible for such a small guy. We thought he just had big personality and that maybe he was more than a little strong willed. Looking back on it now, I realize that he was probably pretty scared and was going through a lot of grieving. I had read so many things about adoption before we met Jonas that I'm surprised I didn't see his grief for what it was. Maybe I was in a bit of denial. Or maybe it was because he seemed to attach to us pretty quickly. After only a couple of days with us he refused to let anyone else hold him. He seemed to do well on other points on attachment checklists too. He always made good eye contact, smiled at us, imitated us, etc. I can see now that he was attaching to us, but he wasn't attached yet. True and secure attachment is a tricky process that takes time, especially when the child has experienced disruptions in caregivers. Signs of trouble with attachment can be very subtle, and can be easy for a first time parent to overlook. I found an attachment checklist and started to pay attention to things after we had been home a while. I noticed some things that made me wonder if Jonas was having trouble with attachment. It almost seemed like he regressed in his attachment after we had been home about 3 months and I started working part time. Like I said, the signs were very subtle, such as not letting us comfort him when he was hurt, biting us when we were too close to his face (which I initially just thought was teething),etc. I also learned that sleep trouble is a major sign of attachment difficulties. Sometimes I think I was looking for problems that weren't there, but I am glad we paid attention to attachment and did everything we could to promote it. I can see now that we've all grown in the area of attachment in the past 6 months. We loved Jonas from the beginning, but adjusting to parenthood took some time. Jonas has adjusted as well. We no longer see that rage that used to come out in the form of inconsolable crying. He adapts to new situations very easily now and always seems to just go with the flow. He still has big personality, but he's a completely different kid than he was 6 months ago. Here he is "helping" daddy unload the dishwasher.

As far as sleep goes, we're still co-sleeping. We originally saw it as a temporary solution to our sleeping woes, but we're committed to it now. Co-sleeping has gotten a bad rap in this country. The American Academy of Pediatrics advises against it because they say it increases the risk of SIDS. The weird thing is that when it is done with some simple safety precautions, co-sleeping has actually been shown to reduce the risk of SIDS. I also think that parents who choose to co-sleep are sometimes viewed as push overs or like they just don't have the back-bone to teach their kids how to sleep on their own. But co-sleeping has done wonders for Jonas' attachment to us. Some studies have even shown that babies that co-sleep grow up to be more independent and self-assured as adults than babies who sleep alone. I'm not sure how reliable a study like that is because there are many other variables that come into play throughout a child's life. But I certainly think that co-sleeping can't hurt. The other argument I've heard is that parents don't sleep as well with a baby in their bed. There's a valid point there for sure! We have definitely had some rough nights, when the thought of putting Jonas to bed and not seeing him again until the next morning has been quite appealing. I have always seemed to need more sleep than the average person, and there have been nights with Jonas that I've thought "I can't do this anymore!" But I get up, drink some coffee, and make it through the day just fine. God has supplied all the strength I need. In general, Jonas has been getting better with sleeping. About a month ago Jonas started to be quite a bed hog and our bed was feeling very cramped. To give us more space I researched how to safely make his crib into a side car bed and that has been working really well. He typically spends most of the night in his crib, and just whimpers and rolls over to me when he wants to sleep closer. He slept through the night (without rolling over to be near me) for the first time last week! This week he was cutting a tooth and he never sleeps well when he's cutting teeth. We had a rough few days, but he got back on track again last night. All in all, the benefits of co-sleeping outweigh the negatives for us. I cherish the times that Jonas snuggles up to me and throws a chubby arm around my neck. I fall back asleep with his soft head under my chin and the sweet smell of his hair. Co-sleeping is not for every family. I'm not even trying to say that it is the best thing to do. It is, however, a good option and the best thing for our family.