Memorial Day

A year ago on Memorial Day we found out we were pregnant with our little girl! I wish I could say I was as elated at the news as I always imagined I would be when we were trying to get pregnant. But I was mostly just scared! Jonas hadn't even started to walk yet, we were still working through some attachment issues with him, and he was still waking several times a night. Sure, he was 14 months old, but he had only been with us for a few months, and I felt like I was cheating him to add another baby to the family so soon after he came home. And I was EXHAUSTED! Jonas had just started to crawl, was getting into everything, and was (and always has been) more than a little strong-willed. I realize now that I was tired because I was pregnant, and not because I was an incapable mother. But I didn't make that connection at the time. I also worried about how others would react to the news of our pregnancy. I can't explain it well, but I felt like people would think that the child I carried in my womb was somehow more MY child than Jonas was. I don't know why I worried about what people would think because it really doesn't matter. Jonas couldn't be any more my son than he already is, and other people's ignorance about adoption can't change that. I guess I was just feeling over-protective of him. So I was scared about how a new baby would fit into our lives, but underneath those feelings I was also scared that I might miscarry and never meet this new son or daughter growing inside of me. You see, even though I was scared, I always WANTED Ava. I started "mothering" her right away, suddenly thinking very hard about everything I ate and everything I did to make sure I took care of her from the very beginning. It was something I never got to do for Jonas. When I was "expecting" Jonas I couldn't take care of him, but I often prayed for the health of his birth mother. I enjoyed being able to take care of Ava from the very beginning.

This Memorial Day, it was nice to celebrate Ava's life without any of the fear I had last year! Jonas has grown up so much in a year. He is well adjusted, attached to us, and he loves his little sister! He sleeps through the night consistently now (in his own room), and even falls asleep on his own. Ava is healthy, beautiful, happy, and social. I love being greeted by her huge smiles when I pick her up out of her crib in the mornings. I've adjusted to taking care of two children, and our family somehow feels more complete now than it was before. We are Mom, Dad, Brother, and Sister. I'm so glad that God has planned our family he way that he has. I don't believe that He is finished with our family yet. We want to adopt again, and I'd kinda like to experience pregnancy and childbirth again. Ray and I have talked about what that might look like and when we'd like to see it happen, but I won't pretend anymore that I know what God's plans are for our family. We'll just keep seeking Him and go along for the ride!